he basically passes the baton over to my ex-husband in these messages. Additionally, my biological dad is Hispanic, and my adoptive stepdad is white, so there was a lot of work that had to be done considering my cultural identity and such. It is all on him. I'd keep them as a last resort only for the case he'll actually try to convince her you're a bad person pushing him away behind her back. She'll accept this eventually. He seems to call … Then she asked me send him a picture of her in her cheer uniform (because she recently became a cheerleader at school). I started to text him back asking him what it is that he wants me to tell his daughter when she asks about him... the photo attached is his response to that question. If he chooses to continue to do nothing about it, then he still is a "poor excuse for a man.". You all are a happy family." How do I tell my nine year old that his dad isn't his dad and that his biological father died before he was born? By the way, I don't think your 1st husband's behavior is terrible (other than the fact he hasn't paid child care, I assume!). Put your life and your daughter's life on hold for three years waiting for a drug addict dad to get out of jail, and hope that. " I said ok and she literally watched as I sent it. Should I wait longer to even say anything to her about the person that he really is? I was voluntarily sending him fotos and updates, asking if he would like to see her and not receiving any type of response except maybe "I'm too busy these days." I guess I'd just let her know about the name change and how we're a "family" and so we're changing our names. Should I maybe just tell her about it right now since she is only 12 years old? That makes his behavior terrible. Bio dad pops in the picture on occassion, but it's clear who has the relationship! It seems we have different views of free will. khairete When she was 15 months old I started dating my now husband. They all wished the things could go back to the way it was before they knew. So she asked me to send him a text to make sure it is still the correct number for him, so i did. If I were you, I would not involve that precious child in this mess at this time. eval(ez_write_tag([[728,90],'mamapedia_com-large-leaderboard-2','ezslot_6',642,'0','0']));Since her bio-dad has no interest in her, I see no reason to worry about telling her that the man she calls 'Daddy" didn't contribute any of her DNA. You have mentioned that her biological father comes across as heartless in his conversations with you. This is the story told to me about her father by a daughter, Babs, now 51, whose mother was not just unloving, but combative and hurtful: "I think he chose to not see it. Just since I have my own daughter and can't understand his attitude anymore. We plan to marry next year. If it is something she has always known she will handle it fine. She said, "That's it??" If your daughter is of age for "the talks" to begin and she pushes knowing about him, you can incorporate that experience into the talk on why we don't want to rush into a physical relationship before we really know and trust each other, and until we're ready for all that a physical relationship can bring. He said, "It's too late, you already gave her a dad and who am I to stand in the way? He was the father that she knew and he demonstrated love to her everyday. My husband and I never hid the fact from her that he was not her biological father. Even if mom and biological daughter have done well without him, this is no excuse. He became very upset at the news of my marriage and new baby on the way. Really. We have been married now for over 2 years, have another baby together and I want to change her last name so that we all have the same last name, and I am going to put my husbands name on her birth certificate also. I want them to trust me and know that they have nothing to feel ashamed about. He could have thought of something nice to say. But his incarceration, drug trafficking and use, are all his choice. She feels really special to have two dads (even is one is on the other side of the country and never sees her), especially a daddy that loves her so much. What are some fun projects for non-CS majors? Why do some people believe that humans are "bad at" generating random numbers/characters like this? I hope that helps. I also thought that it would be proof enough to show her that I have tried very hard to include him. Thanks for contributing an answer to Parenting Stack Exchange! Now, my question is when will it be appropriate to show these messages to my daughter? He is a great man, to take on such responsibilities. When you do tell her, be careful about the language you use and the larger meaning. By clicking “Post Your Answer”, you agree to our terms of service, privacy policy and cookie policy. The first message from the father clearly instructs to mother what to tell her daughter. Conditions for the existence of solutions to a peculiar Diophantine equation, In how many ways can we enumerate from 1 to 20 the sides of a icosahedral. So he doesn't have any emotional bond with the child. My father passed away a month ago, and my heart is broken. How can my town be public knowledge while still keeping outsiders out? She yelled for my daughter without a chance to stop More her my daughter answered. Every text is like a reminder that he is (or at least has been) a poor excuse for a man. If your child has never met the other parent or if the parent has been absent for a long time, be prepared for lots of questions. I would just go on business as usual until she is at an appropriate age to be able to actually understand what happened in the early days. You can prepare for joy, but not for feelings of pain and loss. It only takes a minute to sign up. Certainly, there are times you bring him up, like when you speak of where her eye or hair color came from. It's just DNA. the less uptight you are about it, the more natural it will seem to her. All of the family know to never tell her. But you ask "would you rather he have ...". Wait until she is much older. A child needs all the love they can get. The idea that she has a loving bio dad who cares about her life is a fantasy that OP created and now she must bear the weight of that choice. Not being "cut out to be parents", but having children anyway, is another way of saying that the person has made life-choices that make them unfit to be parents. To me, it could be as early as when she's 4 years old to as old as 14 years old. This is what I hate... Just a couple of days ago my oldest came to me and randomly asked me if I have heard from her biological father lately. Wall of text. The first man to tell her how beautiful and special she is. How do these lines in Shakespeare's Sonnet 151 mean what they're supposed to? My father—who I now believe was not my biological father—had both of his parents born in County Clare, Ireland. We have been divorced for two years now and he has just been the best co-parent a person could ask for. Hopefully OP will be able to explain that it was a mistake born of love. Your beautiful daughter didn't do anything wrong so there is no reason to hide the truth from her. Why is SAT so important in theoretical computer science? We could talk while looking at the water or ducks instead of having to look eye to eye in awkward moments, which helped sometimes. If I do say any of it to her, I am afraid of what it will do to her. But you need to realize that he was never with you during pregnancy or after delivery. and the judge laughed and said "Well this will be easy today". By the way, this all involves my first born. She just knows she has a father, a daddy, a mommy and a lil sissy that love her very much. We'd go to a favorite restaurant and a special place from her childhood, or whatever, and talk. We want to feel love and believe that only biological dad could give that love, until we get mature enough to understand. My husband and I never hid the fact from her that he was not her biological father. Fast forward to when my daughter was about 10 years old with a 7 year old brother and a 4 year old sister, my husband and I got divorced. I have a 10 yr old daughter, that my husband and i have been raising together. I don't think it should be a secret. He was a wonderful father to all 3 of my children, but a horribly unfaithful husband. My new husband tells me that he really respects my ex husband as a father because only a real man would do what he does for my first born. His incentive to get involved should be that she is his daughter. We made a child support arrangement without the court/legal system involved. Just my thoughts. He made no difference between our own children and her. What is the appropriate age to tell my daughter that her biological father doesn't want to be a part of her life? Get child support, even though he has no interest in her. She has probably seen her biological father about a handful of times in her entire life. And is it as bad as I think it is? He's never seen her. He says, "She is my daughter and she always will be. Should I be worried that I don't have ideas of questions to ask during seminars? Answer the questions with honesty and brevity. We also never spoke ill of her biological father to her… She doesn't need to know much, but telling her helps her know she can come to you with questions. She stopped calling him by his name and began calling him "daddy" when our son began to speak and call him daddy. Yes, just tell her right now that unfortunately he's not interested in staying in touch with her at all. She has probably seen her biological father about a handful of times in her entire life. Kids are much stronger than they seem to be. eval(ez_write_tag([[250,250],'mamapedia_com-medrectangle-4','ezslot_3',637,'0','0']));Don't say anything until she's much older. My Mom briefly dated my dad and I was born, but the relation did not last and My mom married someone else who really loves me. In fairness to him, I never told him the baby could be his so he didn't know about her. Should I maybe just tell her about it right now since she is only 12 years old? Anything short of that is terrible behavior. Therapy, writing and, in particular, the birth of her daughter have helped her to move on. "Never. Story about a man waking up early from cryogenic sleep and eats his crewmates to survive. Her father knows about her but has chosen to never be apart of her life. Make your pregnancy and her babyhood more of a "it was just you and me" (or if your parents were involved don't downplay them, but you see what I'm saying? To subscribe to this RSS feed, copy and paste this URL into your RSS reader. Should I wait longer to even say anything to her about the person that he really is? Hours later he responded "Yes this is still my number." Ask them if they are open to being grandparents to all your children showing no favorites. Arrays with non-inline style formulas in rows in KaTeX. I had a beautiful daughter with my very first boyfriend at the age of 16. My husband raised my first born but we always told her that they didn't have the same blood and that I would explain when she got older.My first born is now 11 and started asking a lot of questions about her biological dad, recently started rebelling demanding that she wanted to meet him. I remember my mom saying that dad loved me and she felt safe when she introduced us and I took him by the hand to my room, and mom peeked in after getting a coke and saw him sitting on the floor playing with my toys. Right now it is a giant wall of text and is a struggle to read. Finding my real dad was all I could think about. Visual design changes to the review queues, Opt-in alpha test for a new Stacks editor. Be answered with 'his job was to help me make you 'd go to college give... Resources available that might help you and your changing/growing family hurts me more than back when I not! Feels betrayed, hurt, and my heart is broken no reason to tell.! N'T go around creating children how to tell my daughter about her biological father her need to know her name.! Feel ashamed about has a point of reference when you speak of where her eye or hair came. He sets the precedent for any man who got me pregnant with you pregnancy... 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